Linda's Meta-learning Journal

The Inner Critic and how to face her.
So I had a moment over the last few days when I decided that there was in fact no way I could complete the degree, that "they" (Ultraversity, the school, the builders, life etc.) had in effect made it impossible for me to finish. This was devastating and instead of trying to ignore it, pretending this wasn't how I felt, I tried to face it head on. And there it was - or rather there she was: The Inner Critic (in Transactional Analysis terms.) That destructive inner voice that uses my own logic against my best interests, the voice that tells me I'm a sham, a fraud, that one day 'everyone will realise how worthless you are', the voice that a therapist I once knew, in a masterful example of understatement, described as 'not a very nice person'!
The thing about this inner voice that I learned long ago is that as soon as you face it head on, rather than try to ignore it, it starts to lose its power. My friend Carole used to say that you just listened to everything bad it had to say about you, mentally say 'thank you for sharing that", and then get on with whatever it was you needed to do to move on. Sound advice then, and now.
So the next thing is to look not at what I cannot do but at what I can. Doesn't sound like much of a change but it will make a huge difference to the way I look at this coming year.
This means that I can start to move on. I have talked extensively with Eve and Andy and begun to explore where my control is rather than where it is not. Given my stated interests I made this mind map and then talked it through:

As I'm keen not to focus on teaching skills then I must needs focus on my Network Learning post. During a conversation with Eve last night something began to rattle around and by 2am (It was hot, I couldn't sleep!) it was forming into the start of a possible direction.
What do I bring to the collaborations of the group? What is my contribution? Maybe I can explore the relationship between my growing understanding of AE and the impact this has on the character of the cluster. I think I need to look at this more carefully. It seems quite nebulous but what I think I'm looking at is the area of the impact that my involvement in the degree has had and continues to have on the network. Does this sound possible?

Areas of interest as identified in year 2 (From LWP2):
So my degree work for the next year will need to meet both my personal needs for transferable skills and any needs that arise in my workplace.
The broad areas to concentrate on are:
• Behaviour management: using ILM2 to identify and compare possible strategies and then building on my findings through reflective practice in my learning journal.
• Knowledge base : focussing on multiple intelligences.
• Using ICT to enhance creativity focusing on the potential uses of blogs, wikis, RSS and multi-media.
• Understanding pupil needs (ADD, dyslexia & dyspraxia, Aspergers.): exploring barriers to learning.
• Display skills : both traditional and digital, important for my degree exhibition and possibly as a transferable skill.
• Leadership: look for ways to increase my leadership skills and take any opportunities as these arise.
And:
From yr 1:
Report One:
The areas I'd be interested in researching further are:
Behaviour management
( although other people saw it as a strength I would like to look at some of the theoretical basis for what we do and alternative approaches),
Current status : covered in my ILM 2 - concluded that this was really a whole school issue where individual interventions could have only limited impact.
Knowledge base
focussing on individual learning styles & literacy, possibly multiple intelligences. (I'm looking at that for PAL anyway)
Current status : Looked at in RW2 and ILM1- again issues with what is under my control arise. I cannot implement strategies as I cannot be sure I'll be able to see them through.
ICT programmes used in the school .
Current status : Little opportunity for this has arisen, informal chances taken as and when.
Unlikely to be any chance for this in yr 3 due to timetable changes - all ICT now covered by one teacher during a time when I am involved in other duties.
Communication
I'd like to look at ways of improving teacher / SSA communication.
Current status : Basis of my first AE
Not something I'd willingly look into in any more depth.
Understanding pupil needs
( again I scored well but I'd like to look at specific problems like ADD & Dyspraxia in more depth.)
Current status I was still collecting information about this, for possible use in Year 3.
Update:
none of the children I will be working with this coming year have any of these problems.


Therefore the areas to focus on must be:
Display skills :
both traditional and digital, important for my degree exhibition and possibly as a transferable skill.
(slightly done to death in my ILM1 and AE2 - very little extant literature and a limited field of interest to draw a potential audience from)
Or
Leadership: look for ways to increase my leadership skills and take any opportunities as these arise.
(hard to see how to make this into something with clear cycles, planning etc.- also problem with finding audience interested in a first person research enquiry. I'm still not that comfortable with the idea either!)

Finally, sadly, this is the one that might actually interest me but which I can see no way of doing:
Using ICT to enhance creativity
focusing on the potential uses of blogs, wikis, RSS and multi-media
Issues of lack of control over my time/timetable make this one totally impractical.

Potential ideas however silly or impractical currently welcome as I have hit a brick wall.

I'd no idea the LFs intended to have such a 'hands on' role in year 3. This is very different to my experience so far. I have not been in the habit of sharing drafts with my LF. I've had some e-mail conversations with him. He's not made detailed comments in negotiating my ILMs or ILPs much beyond approving them. This isn't a complaint. I quite like this 'hands off' approach. Sounds like this is going to change considerably next year.
The reluctance to engage may well come from me rather than from him. He tended to make suggestions that were helpful to the majority of researchers when he first became my LF towards the end of year 1. The trouble was they often didn't fit my context so I suppose I stopped paying attention to them. When I have asked for guidance he has responded. More often I haven't asked for help. This is partly because I don't like to, I know that there are other people who need his attention much more than I do. I feel a lack of entitlement I suppose. I get high marks, and mostly I do it on my own. That's not entirely true, Andy and Eve are the people I turn to for assistance and guidance. They are the ones I bounce ideas off. They are, as I have told them before, my learning facilitators. Trouble is much though I appreciate them they are my peers and often don't know any more than I do what to try next. I suppose that's partly because when I do try to bounce ideas off my LF he just responds positively. BANG! I just realised it's the same way the kids react when you give them non-specific praise. They feel like they are not being heard and that's how I feel about my LF. In fact some of this sounds very like the way our higher achievers often feel in the classroom.
One of my identified needs in my action plan for year 3 is to make more use of my LF. I just don't know how to go about it.

If you are scared of spiders look away now! Back when I was doing my ILM 1 about classroom displays I wanted to see how creating a Flickr group worked so I started one about the Maman spider sculpture.The group is for images of the Louise Bourgeois sculpture of a spider with her eggs. I'd seen a few photos of her on Flickr already. I had some from Bilboa but although I'd seen her at the Tate I had no photos. It seemed an unlikely subject for a group but I was wrong. It has gently taken off since January and now there are 68 photos from all over the world (London, Spain, Cuba, USA, Canada, Brazil, Japan - she's a well travelled spider!) One of the nicest things about the group is that some members have taken it upon themselves to promote the group by keeping an eye on tags and inviting people who have images to join.

www.flickr.com More photos in Maman

The Telling into Writing project has been a great success and there are now several packs of resources aimed at Keystage2 Literacy available to download from the
Lancs ngfl Primary Literacy web site.
I have decided to make the pack that I created available from here as well. Here it is to download as a PDF
Hansel and Gretal Resource Pack.
How It Works
First the children are taught a story or poem, with a range of actions & visual cues. Then when they know the story off by heart, teachers use it as a starting point for a two week block of work. Each school has produced a range of resources for teachers of a year group to use in a two week block in the Summer term. Each of these units of work links to the targets for that term.
I was focusing on the story of Hansel & Gretel for Yr5 The story is fairly simple to learn but the work of the two week block is more complex with the children having to tell the story from another point of view.
(First in letters to and from the characters, then in a magazine interview format, before finally moving on to a piece of extended writing.) I have prepared a pack of resources to be used to support this, including web sites.
My current favourites are:
SurLaLune and
Eurotales

This is the second year I have been involved in using this pack. This year's children also worked together on illustrations for the story in their art topic on fabric collage for 3 weeks before the start of the work. I'll post the wonderful images they produced on Monday.
One of the most impressive aspects of the work this year was the hotseating. One of the girls was chosen to dress up and be Gretal and she was stunning. She showed a level of sophistication and subtlety in her answers to her classmates' questions far beyond anything we'd thought possible. She gave us a Gretal with a real dark side, a hidden personality, who knew that her father and brother were essentially too weak to cope with her as the killer of the witch. Her questioners totally suspended their disbelief and accepted that she really was Gretal, questions grew in their depth and emotional range and it really was quite magical. It was hard to remember that this child was only nine years old and made me realise that we often seriously underestimate our charges based on their written work

Having said that the written work was once more stunning, easily meeting the target of writing from another viewpoint. I love this unit and so did they :-)
Education

I think that last module scrambled my brain!

Madlib Poem

active report's active report


"I enquires my blogs and all the web site actions analytical;
I reflection my modules and all is writes again.
(I discussed I enquires you up inside my research.)

The e-mail go respondsing out in biased and balanced,
And complex blog actions in:
"I enquires my web sites and all the module actions analytical;

I reflectioned that you writesed me into research
And discussed me reflective, enquiresed me quite analytical.
(I discussed I enquires you up inside my research.)

researcher actions from the e-mail, blog's web sites reflection:
Exit module and learning facilitator's research:
"I enquires my web sites and all the module actions analytical;

I writesed you'd discussed the way you said,
But I enquires old and I action your name.
(I discussed I enquires you up inside my research.)

I should have web sited a module instead;
At least when research reflections they writes back again.
"I enquires my web sites and all the module actions analytical;

(I discussed I enquires you up inside my research.)

- Researcher & Sylvia Plath
Language is a Virus from the Object Learning Furl

These are my current favourite photos from other people on Flickr. Part of the joy of Flickr is not seeing your own photos and getting comments on them but seeing other people's inspirational work, especially if you are not a very good photographer, like me.
BTW - I started writing the module report after my last post and whilst I'm not thrilled with it I think it will be OK. Thanks to those people who helped :-)

A friend suggested looking at all my significant learning for the past year and showing how I had taken responsibility for each identified bit of learning.
My first thought was "I haven't learnt anything significant this year" Oh dear :-( That can't be true. I haven't learned much concrete stuff, that is true. So let's look at more abstract learning. Let's look at this more carefully:
Formal planned learning:

I've learned more about using reflective practice

I've learned more about the use and importance of learning styles

I've learned more about writing literature reviews

I've learned some things about classroom displays their meanings and uses,

I've learned a bit about action enquiry and the different forms it takes,

I've learned about learning organisations, what they are, what they aren't

I've learned about some unfamiliar approaches to behaviour management

I've learned about how all these things relate or don't relate to my context.
Informal unplanned learning

that using a learning journal is a valid form of first person action enquiry

that my blog has a vital role in my learning

that all this goal setting and action planning just doesn't work for me- I set these goals and make plans but then real life intervenes and they go out the window. I get on better when I don't over-plan. SMART targets etc. just get in my way and make me focus on what should be happening not what is.

that on-line communities are not easy places to be

I'm good at some aspects of the course

That criticality is difficult and something I have to force myself to practice.

self-assesment is almost totally beyond me - having to buy a bottle of champagne for someone as I had totally underestimated a mark (I thought it might scrape a pass and got 79%) convinced me of that!

that I'm better at organisation and leadership than I thought I was.
So where did I take responsibilty and negotiate my own learning? All of the above I suppose.
Oh - I'm confused! I'm supposed to be using this to justify the level I award myself. I'm supposed to use it to build an argument. Maybe that's the issue. I don't argue cases. I don't build arguments. It's not what I do. I tend to explore situations, to let things emerge. I feel like I'm tearing my hair out here.

I got a comment from Shirley on my last post:

Maybe a web search for "taking responsibility for your own learning" would give you an insight into how other universities articulate these ideas. It seems that the ability to identify personal targets and plan action strategies is central to this graduate skill, and I'm certain that you can provide examples and reflect on them. You might even have fun when you realise how much you can choose from for this aspect of the module.

So she's suggesting that I start by searching for the way other unis tackle this aspect of graduate skills. That led me to this advice from Strathclyde which is short and to the point. Exploring a little further I found this from APU Myself as a Learner. OK so this might have made life easier at the start of the course! A one page quick suss on the whole learning styles, reflection, a list of do's and don'ts. Much of it just applies to f2f students on traditional courses of course but some applies to all learning.
It does look from this search that Shirley is right and the setting of personal goals and targets is central to this graduate skill. She suggests providing examples and reflecting on them.
So what I'd have to do is identify a couple of instances where I took responsibility for my learning by setting personal targets and planned an action strategy and do a short reflection on that aspect of the instance.
The bit I don't understand is where the fun or choice comes in. Perhaps Shirley thinks I will have a wide choice of instances where I set targets and made action plans. This is not an unreasonable supposition on her part. We were all supposed to have started to apply these skills this year. The problem for me I suppose is that I have tended to reject that way of doing things as not being very useful to me in my context. I wrote about this quite extensively in the Learning in the Workplace 2 Module where I explained why I hadn't updated my personal development plan. I've moved towards a more intuitive approach partly to suit my job role (where I have very little control over what happens day to day) and partly because it suits my approach to learning better to be more spontaneous. It seems from the guidance in the tool to all be about the ILPs and ILMs. Shirley's advice at first glance seemed to conflict with the guidance given in the module itself. That tells you to:

In particular give examples of how you used your independent learning plans (ILP) and how you developed your independent learning modules to justify the level you have awarded yourself for this section.

This seems exactly the same as the advice being given in the FC conference.
But I suppose this might also be telling me to pick out a couple of such instances - doesn't mention reflection though. Here I am being asked to use them to 'justify' the level I'm awarding myself not to reflect at all. That makes me feel quite uncomfortable.
I just had one insight though.I discovered as I was typing that I don't like the word 'justify' - I'm much happier if I substitute the word 'explain' - weird I know but I'm ready to try almost anything to get something written down for this section!

Takes full responsibility for own learning.

So here I am stuck. I do take responsibility for my own learning. I have to because no one else is going to do it for me. The modules and learning activities this year have been hard to relate to my job role and context. I've had to re-interpret almost everything. And now I have to write about it - to go over it all again and provide evidence that I've done it. Trouble is I've no idea where to start. I'm well and truly stuck.
Ok so take the ILPs - there are only 2 for this year. How have I modified them?
Erm - hard to say because of course I didn't keep copies of the unmodified ones. The best I can do is to refer to the learning activities I wrote and say that they are different to the ones they started with.
Then there's the conversations with LFs other than my own about the meaning of a "technical audit" and if we actually had to do one to fulfill the learning outcomes. Also the stuff with JD about 'negative environments'.
Argh I don't want to have to go over all of this again. I suppose that's part of my reluctance to get into this module. There's been so much negativity and bad feeling in the last year. I've lost all sense of being part of a caring, collaborative community .
I don't feel part of the new small community I moved to from Primary.
I don't feel part of a blogging community as hardly anyone from the course, apart from a few faithful friends, reads the blog.
I suppose I feel quite distant from all the FC communities,
I just don't feel part of it any more. It makes me sad and I have no idea what to do about it. And I can't write about that in the report can I?